Beginners Guide to Anarchy in the Workplace

first of all, if you’re not an anarchist, idk what to say to you, go do a BuzzFeed quiz or smth. but you’re still welcome to read and have fun :)

now for the anarchists, you need to figure out one essential thing. what you wanna work in. I am not helping with that so you’re on your own but whatever domain you pick, you should have a unique combination of some skills there.

“Don't just be another cog in the system, be a square peg in round holes.”
~Gandhi (probably)

you have to be interdisciplinary, eg. a marketing+analytics person, a developer who can also do finances, an AI researcher who can talk to women, anything.

this will ensure that your employer cannot fire you because of your unique skillset. with this set, you can start spreading your influence.

now as an anarchist, you want chaos, not order, so you do not have to care about being nice to your coworkers (doesn’t mean you gotta be rude but that part is totally up to you) and as they can’t fire you, you will not be having any major problems with the HR.

next up you have to eliminate all the religious people near you, they are wasteful and add complexity to your plans. be sure to be rude to them but still in a passive way so that they never talk to you but also can’t bad mouth you to anyone as technically you never did anything.

next up are the managers, just outsmart them, if you can’t do that, are you even good for this?

make sure to have some coworkers who are chill and like you. They are crucial to have by your side. Don’t become friends with them but let them believe you are friends, this will play to your advantage at later stages.

now that all of these factors are set in, you can start acting on your plan.

start suggesting meaningful changes in the main product of the company, this will show them that you are interested in what they’re building and will make them give you more importance/responsibilities

doing this, steadily climb up the hierarchy until one day you’re sitting with the CEO and having a sketchy discussion.

now here, you have two choices, let’s go through both:

1. you can fake-agree with them (cos the only thing you really believe in is the perpetration of chaos in the world). this will give you short-term gains, and if he turns out to be wrong in the future, you were supporting them at one point so they will respect the comradeship (LAME 👎)

2. the other option is to go against him and have a dick-measuring competition to see who stands higher. (FUN 🤪)

now you are in a position to rat them out to the board and take over. If you don’t have evidence, forge it. this should be your goal, to be in talks with the board and oust the present ruler of the empire called your workplace

now that you have power over the company and what it does, you have to make sure not to forget your roots.

this is important, many people lose the game at this point.

now, due to the CEO being ousted, it will cause trouble with stockholders, loyal employees, etc.

BUT

YOU are the CEO now, you can just fire anyone who questions you. if they threaten legal action, send a local gang to kidnap their kids/loved ones.

meanwhile, wire some company funds into your personal account, it’s a little illegal but not a big deal this isn’t the most illegal thing you’re gonna do

slowly, the company will only be left with incompetent people who don’t want to do anything. This is perfect.

call them all to work one day at an odd time like 12 in the night (for people who work in the day) and don’t tell to why, just say it’s crucial and they will be fired if they do not show up.

now before they show up, make sure to keep the workplace clean, with no litter, and no random pages lying around, while you’re at it, remove all the paper there is in the room, and remove everything apart from chairs, tables, and their computers.

after they show up, make them sit at their desks and as soon as they’re seated, leave and lock the doors from the outside. done let them leave

optional: you can brainwash them by playing anarchist movies on a TV on a loop for the entire time

now let this go on for at least 3 days, and keep monitoring with the security cameras if your employees are going insane

by this time, outside communication would have made your stock prices collapse and the shit PR you’re getting won’t let you raise any more money.

Awesome!

now shut down power to the workplace for a few hours then open the gates

the permanently damaged, employees will now have trauma and will quit and ruin all the other companies they work at

now that your employees are permanently damaged. this is your time to give a speech, explain to them how society is fake, deserves to get cleansed and that pure chaos everywhere is the only solution to it. make them watch Mad Max if it helps.

now that they are in your cult and will listen to anything you tell them. ask them to put on a victim mask because they were victims of a very toxic culture. this will help them get hired at other firms.

after they get another job, explain to them how you infiltrated the old company and ask them to repeat the cycle.

remember the money you wired into your account? buy a ranch or a penthouse and watch shit fall down (fight club end scene much?)

cheers and goodluck :D